Wally Winka's Sweet Factory, the makers of popular dummy pills, (Placebos) said they were 'disapppointed' at the recent study regarding antidepressants being as effective as their product.
A recent study showed that a huge meta-analysis of 47 published and unpublished clinical trials of five well-known anti-depressants, including Prozac and Seroxat, suggested that only a small group of severely depressed people stand to benefit from them. In other words, most patients might as well be swallowing placebos.
A spokesperson for Wally Winka's Sweet Factory told a packed press conference, "We beleive that this study may have caused unnecessary alarm and concern for consumers of our placebos." He added, "Our placebos have benefited millions of people worldwide".
Dr Alistair Crippen, Head of Safety at Wally Winka's Sweet Factory, said, "The evidence, however, is clear, these placebos are not linked with suicide, these placebos are not linked with an increased rate of self harm." He went on to say, "We are not misleading our consumers. The information on the placebo packets and in the information we supply to retailers, is based on fact."
CEO of the regulator who monitors the food we Brits consume, Prof. Kent D' Nial, told us, "The safety of the Wally Winka's placebos is kept under close continual review by us."
Wally Winka himself protested 'There has been no reports of side effects with our placebos, unlike the many reports for the antidepressant Seroxat, okay consuming our products may cause weight gain but compared to Seroxat we feel our brand of placebos has been wrongly condemned. Our placebos do not cause the following: Allergic reaction, chills, face edema (abnormal amount of fluid in the facial tissue), infection, moniliasis (infection caused by Candida (yeast like fungi), neck pain, overdose. Cardiovascular: Bradycardia (abnormal slowness of the heartbeat), conduction abnormalities (abnormal transfer of sound waves, heat, nerve influences, or electricity), ECG abnormal, hypotension (lowered blood pressure), migraine, ventricular extrasystoles (a premature contraction of the heart)."
He continued, "Neither do they cause Acne, alopecia (absence of hair from the body where it is normally present), dry skin, ecchymosis (blood under the skin, usually looks or appears like a bruise), eczema (an inflammatory skin disease characterized by lesions varying greatly in character, at times watery discharge and the development of scales and crust), furunculosis (a number of painful nodules formed in the skin, caused by bacteria, which enter through the hair follicles or glands, its formation is favored by digestive derangement and local irritation), herpes simplex, urticaria (reaction of the skin to certain drugs, marked by the appearance of smooth, slightly elevated patches, which are redder or paler than the surrounding skin and often includes severe itching)."
Winka paused for breath before adding, "To my knowledge our placebos will never cause Bruxism (grinding of the teeth especially during sleep), buccal cavity disorders (cavity running from the cheeks to the lips), dysphagia (inflammation of the esophagus), eructation (the act of belching or casting up wind from the stomach), gastroentertitis (inflammation of the stomach or intestines), gastrointestinal flu, glossitis (inflammation of the tongue), increased salivation, liver function test abnormal, mouth ulceration, vomiting and diarrhea, rectal hemorrhage."
"More so", he continued, "do they cause Anemia, leukopenia (reduction in the number of leukocytes in the blood), lymphadenopathy (disease of the lymphnodes), purpura (condition charactized by the presence of blood just under the skin, can appear any where over the body), WBC abnormality (white blood cell abnormality)?"
Finally, Winka added, "To tar our placebos with the same brush as a product that has had reports of Akinesia (the temporary paralysis of a muscle, can include intense pain), alcohol abuse, amnesia, ataxia (failure of muscular coordination or irregularity of muscle action), convulsion, depersonalization, hallucinations, hyperkinesia (abnormally increased mobility, abnormally increased motor function or activity), hypertonia (a condition of excessive tone, tension or activity, can include increased blood pressure), incoordination, lack of emotion, manic reaction, paranoid reaction, and thinking abnormal is, I beleive, totally wrong"
He ended his statement with, "Our placebos have brought joy to millions of people worldwide and do not carry the same risks of taking antidepressants"
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