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Thursday, April 21, 2011

"You Fat Bastards" - From the Journal of Eating Disorders


Oh this is just too good to miss out on without making a comment.

Those men/women in white coats have come up with a gem of a disorder. It's so hilariously funny it puts comedian greats to shame. It's a stand-up comedian's wet dream, an article to do a whole hour of rib-tickling comedy. I was in a state of complete apoplexy upon reading it.

So what am I writing about?

Wait, this gem requires a drum roll.

**Drum roll

On April 20 the Montreal Gazette ran with a story entitled, "Experts want 'night eating' recognized as disorder", it was written by Sharon Kirkey.

The headline kind of gives the article away. One should know what to expect when they see the words 'expert' and 'disorder' appear in the same sentence.

Apparently this disorder affects hundreds of thousands of Canadians.

Kirkey writes:

It starts with "morning anorexia," skipping breakfast more days than not and by dinnertime all bets are off. People eat and graze compulsively, from dinner to bedtime, and even wake in the middle of the night to eat more. Half a century after it was first described, night eating syndrome — a phenomenon where people consume at least one-quarter of their daily calories after the evening meal — is poised to become the newest eating disorder.


Have you ever heard anything so utterly ridiculous?

Oh shit! put down those nibbles you have an eating disorder.

I envisage cinemas throughout Canada will be pulling down the shutters on the popcorn stands or asking customers if they have already eaten before they left home. I can see the government health warnings on the buckets of popcorn or M&M's throughout Canadian theatres, "GOVERNMENT HEALTH WARNING - Eating popcorn or confectionery between meals may mean you have a fat bastard disorder. Talk to your doctor if you feel you cannot stop munching on snacks between meals."

For patrons falling asleep in cinemas we will have usherettes shining torches so the sleepy lot can be recognised then refused service at the hot dog stall in the foyer. "I'm sorry sir, you have been asleep and eating after you wake in the middle of the night means that we cannot legally serve you...the ambulance to the psychiatry unit is outside waiting for you."

Honestly, this is just so absurd...but wait...there's more.

This disorder has been given a label, you know just like OCD, ADHD etc. Yup, night eating syndrome is known as NES.

One moment...


It should come as no surprise that NES [sniggers] comes from the self-proclaimed International NES Working Group [guffaw] and was published recently in the International Journal of Eating Disorders.

Burp...excuse me I've just finished eating a Cornetto and it's 10.48pm.

Other 'disorders' include:

Morning anorexia — lack of desire to eat in the morning and/or skipping breakfast four or more mornings per week.

Yup, that's me.

A strong urge to eat between dinner and sleep and/or during the night.

Strong urge? Nah, I just eat because my stomach sends signals to my brain and tells it that food intake is due. It's called being hungry.

A belief that one must eat in order to get to sleep

Well, if one didn't eat then obviously one wouldn't be able to sleep, unless they were severely malnourished, sleep then would hit them like a runaway train.

Depressed mood or a worsening in mood in the evening.

Oh, I get it now...this is about mood disorders. There's that magical pharmaceutical seller - the word 'depressed'. Genius. Here's a bit of Fiddaman psychology for you. People may feel blue at night, it's when most humans mull things over, it's the silence in the bedroom that makes us think of the days ahead or of those gone by. Those unpaid bills, the weekly meeting at work etc. Watching evening news bulletins hardly brings a smile to anyones face either...unless rape, murder, starvation, catastrophes and war makes you happy. Psychology lesson over.

The International Journal of Eating Disorders adds:

People must be aware of their nocturnal ingestions (eating upon waking at night); and

The signs and symptoms have persisted for at least three months and are causing significant distress or impaired functioning.

I'll have to watch my eating habits. Looks like I'll have to throw away my 'Joy of Sex' book! Sorry ladies.

Full article can be read HERE