I'm fed up of writing about needless deaths.
I need a pick-me-up tonic that isn't in the shape of a pill, that doesn't come with a suicide warning, that isn't addictive.
I listen to music when I'm feeling the blues, it kinda lifts me up be it the raw guitar sound of AC/DC, the beautiful harmonies of the Dixie Chicks or just some 'lose yourself in the moment' music by Hans Zimmer. I have many more bands to pick me up.
Tonight, however, I feel inclined to have a bit of fun with some jokes.
**Contains profanity**
Let's start with one of my Facebook statuses of today:
Following the conviction of the Chinese politician Bo Xilai on charges of corruption, abuse of power, embezzlement and bribery, we wish him all the best in his campaign to become the next CEO of GlaxoSmithKline.
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My psychiatrist tried analysing me by putting a glass of water in front of me and asking "Would you say this is half empty or half full?"
I said "Two thirds of its capacity is currently in use, so I'd say nethier".
Turns out I have Anal Prick Disorder.
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"I have a foot fetish", I told my psychiatrist.
"That doesn't make you crazy", he replied, "in fact, I also get turned on by looking at beautiful women's feet."
"Really?" I said. "Do you want to come over to mine and see my collection?"
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I went to see my psychiatrist yesterday and he said, "I want to try a little reverse psychology on you in this session."
I said, "That's fine but I charge £45 an hour."
That fucked him up.
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Psychiatrist: "Well, Catherine, it appears you may be suffering a treatable mental illness known as "Bi-polar 2", but to confirm my suspicions, I will need to see you naked...."
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"Doctor, I keep hearing voices asking me stupid questions."
"Do you have a history of mental illness?"
"There they go again."
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SSRi's have been called the new "wonder drugs" because any time the doctor wonders what you have, that's what you get.
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A spokesperson for the pharmaceutical company denied that the product was habit forming, he added, "I know someone who has been taking it for twelve years."
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And finally...
“Today brings to resolution difficult, long-standing matters for (Glaxo). Whilst these originate in a different era for the company, they cannot and will not be ignored." - Andrew Witty, CEO GlaxoSmithKline
Bob Fiddaman
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