Multi-millionaire media mogul James Murdoch has decided to call it quits at Glaxo. Murdoch, who last year was the centre of a phone hacking scandal, "has decided not to stand for re-election to the board at GSK's [annual general meeting] in 2012," Glaxo said in a statement.
With this in mind I have decided to apply for a position on the board. My letter of application is below.
Dear Mr Witty,
May I call you Andrew, Andy or do you prefer to be called Sir after your recent knighthood?
I'll cut to the chase, if I may? I'd like a position on your board, I won't accept an annual wage but you could pay for your peers to take me to lunch, feed me some BS about Seroxat withdrawal before shooting off to their next appointment. I think you call that "Dine and Dash" don't you?
It would have been nice to hook up with my old mucka Alistair Benbow, or as he likes to be called, 'Big Al'. Alas, he has now left Glaxo and has hit the comedy circuit where I gather his audiences are no more bigger than a small classroom of school children. A friend of mine caught some of his stand-up routine, apparently he had the small audience in fits of laughter when he cracked the joke about Seroxat not being addictive, my friend almost soiled himself laughing and had beer running down his nostrils. He told me Big Al is a bit like the comedian Jack Dee in as much that he can keep a dead pan face when coming out with one-liners such as 'Seroxat is safe', 'Dr Healy has been proved to be wrong' and the side splitting, 'the evidence, however is clear...these drugs are not addictive'
Imagine the fun we could have if you allowed me onto your board Sir Andy. We could go to Downing Street together and talk with your old chums David Cameron and the other fella who is part of his coalition. Cameron is a Villa fan so he's one of the good guys, right? Maybe he could make me part of his Business Council as he has you and before you your predecessor, old JP Garnier, Jeepers as we all know and love him.
Would I need to be inoculated before I entered the GSK building Sir? What vaccine do you recommend? I know GSK have had terribly bad press about their vaccines, particularly that one they used in Argentina where 14 babies died - I sure do hope I don't have to have that one Sir Andy.
What about attire, would it be okay to wear jeans and a bandana and maybe my FCUK GSK T shirt [Fig 1]
Anyway, I'm sure you have a lot on your hands what with the various legal actions against your company. Don't worry Andy I'll help you put things back on track and maybe we could have a couple of pints together and come up with some ideas about new diseases to treat with existing drugs. Hey, we just change a molecule here and there, repackage the box with a catchy name and VOILA! we have a new drug on the market.
If you need me to send in references then I nominate investigative journalist Evelyn Pringle. Evelyn and I have been friends for some time now, she is, in fact, one of the reasons why I write. It was only after I read her 'Drip, Drip, Drip' article on Paxil that I became interested in Glaxo's unethical practices. Maybe I could get Steph Gatchell or Neil and Rhonda Carlin to write me the other reference, you know who they are don't you Andy?
Anyway, must fly, I have Shania coming over to my place for a game of hide the salami.
Please consider me for a position on the board.
Lots of hugs