Generic Paxil Suicide Lawsuit

Citizens Commission on Human Rights Award Recipient (Twice)
Humanist, humorist

Tuesday, August 21, 2012

No Free Lunch at GSK

So, I was browsing the the Cafepharma message boards and it appears that Witty has cracked the whip at GSK.

Disgruntled reps are complaining that they have received news that they can no longer have more than two lunches with doctor's in the space of a month, furthermore, they cannot bring doctor's staff any foodstuffs.

Dang it, no more doughnuts for the, already heavy, receptionist.

This got me thinking.

What if Witty really did start to crack the whip at GSK, maybe his memo would look something like this...


Dress Code:

1. You are advised to come to work dressed as a gopher. Costumes can be hired from the Department of Justice Department for a small fee.

2. You cannot wear anything from the 80's or 90's - they are both era's that we wish to forget about.

3. We have a range of product memorabilia, including t-shirts, that you can purchase for a small fee. Unfortunately we have no adult sizes as these product placement shirts were not intended for adult use.

XX Small - "I Just Took My Paxil" T-Shirts - 200,000 in stock

XX Small - "We Love Karen Wagner" T-Shirts [Paxil logo on back]- 200,000 in stock

XX Small - "Keller Is Da Daddy" T-Shirts - [Paxil logo on back] - 200,000 in stock

Kiddy Lunchboxes [Paxil Logo on Lid] - 200,000 in stock

Mr Men Series, Vol 9 - "Mr Grumpy Gets Better" - [Mentions Paxil] 200,000 in stock

Fake Dog Turds [Paxil 329 Limited Edition, signed by Sally K. Laden] ONLY 99 LEFT!

Paxil Rope - 12 LEFT

Paxil Razor Blades - 4 LEFT

Benbow Bear - A true to life talking teddy bear. Just pull the chord and hear, "These drugs are  not addictive", "Dr Healy has been proved to be wrong on every single occasion", "The evidence, however, is clear, these medicines are not linked with suicide, these medicines are not linked with an increased rate of self harm", "Generally these symptoms are mild to moderate", "The information in the patient leaflet and in the information we supply to doctors, is based on fact", "I think patients have nothing to fear from taking Seroxat", "I utterly refute any allegations we are sitting on data", and "We take the safety of our medicines extremely seriously".

Sick Days: 
We will no longer accept a doctor's statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work, unless you are involved in an internal dispute with the company, in which case you shall remain on sick leave without pay. Any doctor's statement as proof of being fit to work will not be accepted.

Bereavement Leave:
The drugs you promote for off-label prescriptions, are known to cause death in the populations they are not indicated for. By now you should be used to death. Any friend, family member or pet that dies... suck it up and deal with it. We don't pay you to have a conscience.  

Toilet Breaks:
Will only be permitted if you ingest ALLI, our failed dietry supplement. Batches of ALLI can be ordered for $2 on Ebay or for $160 from one of our executives.

Lunch Break:

No more free lunches for doctor's and their staff.

No more vouchers for Wing's Chinese restaurants, the Gringo's Mexican chain etc.

Glaxo Foodles will be available for all reps [for a small fee] along with a carton of Ribena [Vitamin D extracted due to carton staying in sun for too long]

Thank you for your loyalty to our company. If you have any issues regarding compliance then please forward them to our compliance department and we will make sure your grievances are heard... Be prepared to lose your job though. Nobody likes a smart ass!

Sir Witty.

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