Thursday, April 28, 2011
Orgasm - Mental Disorder [DSM Satire]
Psychiatrists at the Balls, Balls, Bigger Balls Bearings Institute of Modern Psychiatry in South Woolaboolagoolagonga, Australia, have recently published their findings into a three year study and have found that having an orgasm may mean you have a mental disorder.
Lead researcher, Prof. Hugh Jerection, found that out of the 1000 subjects who appeared in the study, 996 [male and female] could not 'keep the wolf from the door' after a series of mattress dancing sessions with their favourite pop idols.
The study, sponsored by Sony [in conjunction with Razzle Magazine] showed that when reaching sexual peak, the subjects could not hold back. "The gates did open", remarked Psychiatrist, Mary Hinge. She added, "We tried throwing buckets of water over the copulating couples but nothing could stop them."
One subject, who shall remain nameless, was enjoying his mattress dancing session with country pop icon Shania Twain. Prof. Dick Head told us, "Jesus, that guy was going at it, we started playing images on a screen of Margaret Thatcher above the headboard, threw cold water over them and even used cattle prods on them. Sadly, this did not stop the bandana wearing Englishman from finishing what he started."
A tired Shania told us after, "Man, could he go. I started singing, 'Man, I feel like a woman' and he seemed to only have one thing on his mind. We swapped phone numbers after the session."
"It proves one thing," announced Prof. Hugh Jerection, "...it proves beyond reasonable doubt that having an orgasm is akin to having obsessive compulsive disorder."
Four subjects were said to have been disappointed in the study. One told us, "It was pretty obvious that Vinyl Vera was a placebo, her startled look and smell of plastic told me she was a dummy [placebo] One love bite on the neck and she deflated on me."
Psychiatrist, Mary Hinge was said to be elated with the results. "For years millions of people have been crippled with the orgasmic dysfunction disorder [ODD], this study has proven that there is a huge, yet treatable, problem."
Upon hearing the trial results leading Australian psychiatrist Paddy McFlurry said, "I can not only predict if a person has this disorder, I can predict if they will get it in future years." McFlurry, sporting a Back to the Future t-shirt, added, "Mental health is a huge problem here in Australia, we need to eradicate this problem by early intervention. If a person suffering from ODD is electrocuted during intercourse this corrects the chemical imbalance. We aim to nip this disabling disorder by electrocuting them before puberty."
On asked what these results could do to civilization, McFlurry responded with, "Are you a Scientologist?"
An exhausted Tiger Woods, who was drafted in to the study, told us, "I average two rounds of golf a day, some of the chicks in the trial [Tiger bedded 358 in all] were just plain crazy, one wanted to make out in a bunker and kept shouting 'Putt me Tiger, putt me', I am totally knackered and may have to miss the Master's this year."
A spokesperson for the Therapeutic Goods Administration, the Australian equivalent of the FDA and MHRA, said, "Our hands are tied....um...no, I don't mean in that way...um...er..."
Prof. Hugh Jerection, Psychiatrist, Mary Hinge and Prof. Dick Head have no competing interests but each declared that they subscribed to Razzle Magazine before driving off into the sunset in Paddy McFlurry's DeLorean.
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