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Citizens Commission on Human Rights Award Recipient (Twice)
Humanist, humorist

Friday, September 24, 2010

Lizzy Feels The Heat...Or Not, As The Case May Be.


Queen Elizabeth, dear old Lizzy, has, it seems, been refused an anti-poverty grant to help heat her palaces.

Nope, it isn't April 1st folks.

This is 21st century Britain at its very best.

One of Lizzie's senior aides wrote to the Department for Culture, Media and Sport in 2004 to ask if the Queen would be eligible for a handout from a £60m energy-saving fund, according to a bulletin on AOL News.

Documents, obtained by The Independent newspaper under the terms of The Freedom of Information Act, show that the application for a grant to replace four combined heat and power (CHP) units at Buckingham Palace and Windsor Castle was turned down in August 2004.

Poor Lizzy Wizzy.

I wonder if she would like to swap places with me for a week or so?

Dear Liz,

In the interests of keeping you as snug as a bug in a rug, you can stop at my one-bed council flat. The electric and gas may need topping up with my pre-paid cards though and the only butler service you would get would be a Chinese or Indian take-away delivered to the door. Sadly, you would have to open the cartons and dish it up yourself, I'll make sure my plates and spoons are clean... I will borrow the washing up liquid from my neighbour as I have ran out.

Sadly, I have no garden but my tumble dryer will be sufficient should you wish to dry your smalls. Failing that, you could do as I do and put them on the clothes horse.

My sheets will be clean and crispy but you will have to share my bed with my dog, he is a cross Boxer/Rhodesian Ridgeback so leave the Corgis at the palace please.

You are more than welcome to bring your husband along, word of advice though, my neighbour is black and often plays reggae music.

I'll leave instructions on the fridge regarding the operation of the central heating, cooker, washing machine, kettle, taps.

I've left a piece of paper on my desk, it has your image on Liz and a £ symbol, and number 5. It's currency and enables you to buy things. My local shopkeeper is just a 5 minute walk from my flat, once again, should you bring your husband, the shopkeeper is Asian. This £5 has come out of my weekly budget and has left me short but you are my Queen so I am prepared to make that sacrifice.

My dog needs four walks a day, the pooper scooper is in the closet by the front door. There are no "poo bins" over the fields so you will just have to pick up the steaming mess, bag it and dispose of when you return to the flat. I'd ask you to fling it over number 226 but don't want you involved in my neighbourhood quarrels.

When you are dropped off in the Range Rover, would it be possible for me to cadge a lift to London?

Buses are pretty good around here, they run into Birmingham City centre. Birmingham is a multi-cultural city Liz so leave hubby back at the flat.

Right, I must go as I have to pack my suitcase for my stay at the palace.

Do you have Sky TV?

Yours in humbleness,


PS - You can use my phone after 6pm as all local calls are free.



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