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The Seroxat Sufferers Alternative Guide to The Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders [DSM]
Please take the following with a pinch of salt [unless you have an allergy to salt.]
1. Snotalotsponditus [SNEEZING]:
Sneezing will now be deemed a mental illness.
Sneezing is an expulsion of air from the lung, usually caused by particles irritating the nasal passage. Sneezing can be triggered through sudden exposure to pepper, and also viral infections. It can also be caused by flowers or freshly cut grass. Quite often 'sneezers' leave behind a trail of mucus [snot]. Sneezing requires wiping the mucus area, be it, your nose, window or the person's neck sitting in front of you. Severe sneezers often make unexplainable noises during the expulsion of air from the lungs.
CATEGORY A SNEEZERS
Quaint little sneezers who try to disguise their sneezes should be treated with medication such as AllerSneeze. They should also endure a course of talk therapy with a psychiatrist who can then recommend further treatment.
CATEGORY B SNEEZERS
Sneezers that use a handkerchief whilst sneezing more often than not return the said handkerchief into their pockets, thus keeping hold of their sneeze. We believe it is of vital importance to 'let go' of the sneeze forever. These types of sneezers have an inability to let go of things thus causing an emotional imbalance. Medication such as Catchasneeze will be helpful to these patients and maybe a course of SSRi type medication to correct the emotional imbalance.
CATEGORY C SNEEZERS
Sneezers that make a song and dance in public. Quite often using a language that can only be described as a form of Swahili. A Sneeze is often preceded by holding of the breath, a squinting of the eyes and during the expulsion noises such as, "ATISHOO", "AAAAACHEWWWWWWWWWWWW" can be heard. Immediate medication is required as new evidence suggests that these sneezers are possessed by Demons. The Demons can be exorcised by using Snotarella, a relatively new drug that has been endorsed by top psychiatrists all over the world. Manufactured by Cassper Pharmaceuticals, it has been clinically proven to cure Category C sneezers.
2. Gibsonelectricococus [AIR GUITAR SYNDROME]
Often patients will start strumming an 'invisible guitar' and actually believe that they are playing the correct chords. This is a delusional state of mind and borders on the first stages of Schizophrenia.
An immediate course of Splitzoid is highly recommended.
CATEGORY A AIR GUITAR SYNDROME
Those who gently rub the front of their thighs whilst in a sitting position. These particular 'pluckers' tend not to hold the neck of the imaginary guitar so a low dose of Splitzoid is recommended [20mg].
CATEGORY B AIR GUITAR SYNDROME
These 'pluckers' stand whilst playing their imaginary instruments. They often screw up their faces whilst moving their fingers up and down an imaginary fret. They also feel the need to tap their legs [see restless legs syndrome treatment - GlaxoSmithKline website]. A dose of Splitzoid is highly recommended for this category [40mg]
CATEGORY C AIR GUITAR SYNDROME
Pluckers in this category feel the need to mimic the noise of the imaginary guitar and are often seen duck-walking in the style of Angus Young [AC/DC] across living rooms, dance floors and other public places. This has now been deemed as a form of epileptic seizure. Patients in this category will often play other instruments such as an air bass guitar and air drums. An immediate course of Splitzoid is required [60-80mg]
** Persuading category C patients to throw away copies of CD's that trigger this affliction may prove impossible so it is of vital importance that these patients are sedated.
3. Caninepoopacitis [DOG POOP DODGERS]
Dog owners who do not pick up their dog faeces are now deemed as mentally ill. Once again, they fall into three categories.
CATEGORY A DOG POOP DODGERS
Often seen on beaches and disguise the fouling by throwing a stick or ball into the sea. Once the cold water hits the canine's underbelly a desire to urinate and defecate overcomes the pooch. The waste is deposited into the sea and the dog owner continues his stroll along the sand. A mild form of denial is induced. We highly recommend Truthdux, a new drug that has the backing of Emory University Scientists and fellow psychiatrists.
CATEGORY B DOG POOP DODGERS
These patients often only allow to let their dogs poop under trees. This has caused major problems for families wishing to picnic under a shade. Although it keeps the flies off the food, it can cause severe retching if a member of the public mistakes it for a chocolate gateaux. Patients who allow their dogs to defecate under trees or other shaded areas are deemed to have severe personality disorders. A course of antidepressants will help these patients.
CATEGORY C DOG POOP DODGERS
These patients allow their dogs to defecate in the middle of football pitches, knowing that there will be a game played later that evening. Electroconvulsive therapy [ECT] is highly recommended. If that fails then we suggest contacting the local Police - they may contact the local courts and apply for the relevant documents to have the patient committed to a psychiatric facility where further ECT and treatment with anti-psychotics may be carried out.
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Fid
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'THE EVIDENCE, HOWEVER, IS CLEAR...THE SEROXAT SCANDAL' By Bob Fiddaman
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