Generic Paxil Suicide Lawsuit

Citizens Commission on Human Rights Award Recipient (Twice)
Humanist, humorist

Monday, April 19, 2010

Goldilocks and the Three Bears - "Who's been taking my Paxil?"

Not for Children

Once upon a time, there was a little girl named Mary Anne Goldilocks. One day she went for a walk in the forest close-by to her million dollar mansion in Pennsylvania, USA. Pretty soon, she came upon a house. She knocked and, when no one answered, she walked right in.

At the table in the kitchen, there were three packets of Paxil. Mary Anne Goldilocks was suffering from shyness so she took one Paxil from the first packet.

She had forgotten her daily dose of Paxil and it seemed a remarkable coincidence that the owner of this particular house was also on the medication.

"Fuck, I feel agitated" she exclaimed.

So, she took another Paxil from the second packet.

"These head zaps are making me cranky," she said

So, she took another Paxil from the third packet.

"That's better," she said happily.

After she'd popped 60mg of Paxil, she was feeling a little tired. So, she walked into the living room where she saw three chairs. Mary Anne Goldilocks sat in the first chair to rest her feet and because she was feeling slightly nauseus and dizzy.

"Fuck, these zaps in my head are bugging the shit outta me," she exclaimed.

Unable to sit still, due to akathesia, she sat in the second chair.

"Damn these zaps," she whined.

So she tried the last and smallest chair.

"Ahhh, this chair is just right," she sighed. But just as she settled down into the chair to rest, it broke into pieces! Mary Anne Goldilocks had put on lots of weight since being prescribed Paxil.

Mary Anne Goldilocks was very tired and about to drop on the spot, so she climbed upstairs to the bedrooms. She lay down in the first bed, but it was too hard. Then she lay in the second bed, but it was too soft. Then she lay down in the third bed and it was just right. Mary Anne Goldilocks was sleeping within seconds.

As she was sleeping, the three bears came home.

"Someone has been taking my Paxil that I take for Post Partum Depression for men," growled the Papa bear.

"Someone has been taking my Paxil that I take for PMDD," said the Mama bear.

"Someone's been taking my Paxil too. I hope they didn't take them all because how else am I going to control my ADHD?," piped Baby bear.

"Who's been sitting in my chair?," growled the Papa bear.

"Who's been sitting in my chair?," said the Mama bear.

"Someone's been sitting in my chair and by the look of things, the fat fucker has broke it!," announced Baby bear.

"Calm down," cried Mama Bear. "Here, take one of these," she added, whilst handing a Paxil to her 7 year old baby bear. She also took one herslef as her period was due.

They decided to look around some more and when they got upstairs to the bedroom, Papa bear growled, "Who's been sleeping in my bed?,"

"Someone's been sleeping in my bed, too" said the Mama bear

"Someone's been sleeping in my bed and she's still there!" exclaimed Baby bear.

Just then, Mary Anne Goldilocks woke up and saw the three bears. She screamed, "Help!" And she jumped up and ran out of the room.

Mary Anne Goldilocks ran down the stairs, picked up a loaded shotgun and shot the three bears dead.

Mary Anne Goldilocks is currently awaiting trial.

For the record - she is not a Scientologist.

Porridge can be just as effective as Paxil for treating fairy tale characters with fairy tale diseases such as shyness.

A Fiddaman story in conjunction with the makers of Porridge Oats.

**Please feel free to disseminate and change the medication from Paxil to whatever drug you wish to raise issue with.



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