Generic Paxil Suicide Lawsuit

Citizens Commission on Human Rights Award Recipient (Twice)
Humanist, humorist

Monday, March 26, 2007

GSK/MHRA - The Screenplay

GSK HQ - Brentwood, England.

BENBOW: May I have your attention please folks

The crowded room look toward the figure of Dr Alistair Benbow standing on the platform. The room suddenly falls into silence.

BENBOW: Firstly, I would like to thank you all for attending this meeting at such short notice and I apologise for you all having to remove your clothes on entering the room... one can't be too careful when it comes to speaking about our baby Seroxat.

The congregation break into laughter and one individual, carried away by Dr Benbow's humour, shouts, 'YOUR'E THE MAN ALI'.

BENBOW: Thank you, thank you. Now, I'll try to be brief, I know you will all be dying to put your clothes back on. A lot of you may already be aware of the increased bad publicity we are getting regarding Seroxat. Breggin, Medawar, Joffre, Healy, Pringle, Bosley... to name but a few. It has recently come to our attention that there are a growing number of patient blogs springing up. Our lawyers are looking into ways that we can shut these down - they did it before with the Paxil Protest site but this time are looking at ways to shut these people up without actually having to pay them.

As you are all aware we have a great allies in the MHRA... and I'm not talking about my good friend 'Ally' Breckenridge. (Audience breaks into laughter).

Thank you, thank you.

It seems these blogs are finding evidence that ties us in with the MHRA and certain individuals that used to work here at GSK. I've spoken with both Alistair Breckenridge and Ian Hudson and they have both assured me that they are not concerned as they know once our lawyers settle the litigation that these 'rumours' will die a death.

Anyway, I have gathered you all here today for a very special reason. Ladies and gentlemen, I have gone on for too long. Without further ado I would like you all to stand and bow your heads and pledge alliegance to the great one. Comrades, I give you Our Lord Garnier.

The gathering stand open mouthed as GSK's Cheif Executive, Jean Paul Garnier walks to the platform.

JP: Bonjour... or should aye say in ma perfect Engleesh - ello

The crowd laugh uncontrolably and the preceeding applause settles after 4 minutes.

JP: As you all know ve ave bin ze target of bad press recently. Ze whole Zeroxat sing has increased rapidly. Luckily for us ze patent has almost expired and ve have made millions of pounds on zis drug already so it vill not really hurt ze coffers at GSK.

*Rapturous applause from the gathered assembly.

JP: Our marketing team here at GSK have never failed to astound me with their skills. When I first learned of the Paxeeeel study 329 I immediately thought we vere in danger of losing millions of pounds. But with some stunning skullduggery our marketing team managed to spin ze truth to doctors and patients alike. Ve now have to do ze same sing all over again with ze adult trials. Already ve have made plans with ze MHRA to play down ze risks and with Alistair Breckenridge and Ian Hudson on board there I sink ve can hold off ze public for some years yet.

*Crowd laugh and once again give JP a 4 minute standing ovation.

JP: Sank you, you are too kind. Let me reassure you all zat ze recent Panorama programme vill soon be forgotten about. Ze British press have more important matters to investigate such as Big Brozzer and vat David Beckham had for lunch.

*Incontroleable laughter from crowd.

*Benbow is seen wiping tears of laughter from his face.

BENBOW: Oh isn't he such a wonderful man? So charming and full of great wit.

AMERICAN: Yeh he sure is Doctor

*Benbow turns to find a scruffly looking man holding a camera.


Michael Moore has been in this game too long, he makes for the exit before Benbow can say 'not addictive'

Back in the room chaos ensues and JP is ushered away by the two burly security guards into his waiting limousine.


His limo speeds away at breakneck speed and JP frantically tries to phone GSK lawyers from the limo phone.

JP: What is ze matter with zis phone, Vye is there no reception? Driver, Do you have a cell phone on you?

The driver stops the limo and slowly turns to JP.

DRIVER: Yeh, sure I do JP... sure I do.

Credits roll

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