Zantac Lawsuit

Researching drug company and regulatory malfeasance for over 16 years
Humanist, humorist

Saturday, October 23, 2010

Dr Louis Cypher Speaks...

Here's an advertising concept, I need some entrepreneurs to back me on this though.

You see, I have this fantastic idea that could turn me into a billionaire, almost overnight if I could just get the backing.

I have a number of products that would be huge sellers, I realised this when I did the maths. To be honest, I didn't need to forecast beyond 2011, the concept is full proof, a money making bunch of products that could earn me billions.

With a bit of tweaking here and there, I could have products that could go viral within days of their launch, I just need to make up some bullshit...yet not be prosecuted for it.

Impossible, I hear you cry...but wait...I have found a clever way to market a number of products that can cure something that doesn't actually exist.

Okay, I'll come clean, my products may cause harm to those who take them, sickness, diarrhoea, nausea, to name a few. But hey, those minor side effects could be caused from over indulging in food any day of the week.

My products would be self-marketing and business would grow on an annual basis. Here's the real gem - I won't have to market it myself, others will do it for me, even better, I won't have to pay them. It's a win, win situation.

First, I have to create a reason for consumers to take my products. The Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM) is a great guide for this, hey, if the authors of that manual can create an illness without science then I could quite conceivably manufacture a product to cure that illness, couldn't I?

If I get hauled over the coals for making false claims, I'll simply use theory as my defence.

My products will be aimed at children, I can target four year old upwards to begin with then, once the media is played like a kipper, I could target their mothers.

Okay, my product does have addictive qualities but they can be hid, bizarrely I'm not even at liberty to show that my products can cause addiction.

Stumbling block could be getting a licence to sell my products but coincidently [winks] those that decide on granting me a licence [Angels] receive their wages from me. Oh deep, deep joy. I'm going to be rich beyond my wildest dreams.

Schools could easily be duped into believing that my products were legit, then foster care homes for those unruly bastard children. It will give the teachers and carers much relief too...and they won't even need to consume my products!

I may get a bit of bad publicity once the more severe side effects, homicidal and suicidal thoughts, hit the press but the beauty of my genius plan is that these can quite easily be played down, after all, the main reason the kids will be consuming my product will be based upon their behaviour. If they do jump off a building, hang themselves, shoot themselves or other kids, overdose, stab themselves in the heart etc, I can easily defend myself by claiming they were like that before they took my product, my lawyers would be paid handsomely for this.

Okay, it's immortal, unethical, somewhat psychopathic but it will make me money, a pot of gold that will continue to grow because the promoters are seen as God-like figures. Doctor's, psychiatrists, my angels. Then there are those who have loco parentis, the teacher's [angels by proxy] who, in the main, are widely respected by the kids parents.

I can start off slowly and use shyness as a promotional tool. Shyness is an illness, such a traumatic experience for those who have had the misfortune of being too scared to make friends or read a book in front of their classmates. I even bet their parents wish their kids wouldn't be so shy. If the kid kills himself, my lawyers could quite easily show that their shyness was the factor and not my product. "Your honour, he was so shy that suicide was his only solution." - Ka ching!

Now, with shyness out of the way, I have to target the other end of the scale. Those boisterous brats, you know the ones, the ones who seek attention, they normally sit at the back of the class and disrupt lessons at any given opportunity. Mimicking pupils and teachers, throwing paper aeroplanes, raising their voices so they can be heard above others, you know the type, the psycho children. It will have to be a disorder of some sort so I can sell my product. Again, if they kill themselves, my lawyers will use the defence of them being unstable, "Attention disorder is an illness your Honour, the DSM says so". Bling bling.

With the chemical imbalance [fact, not lies] in place, I could basically convince parents that I can help them control their children. I'll have to devise a program for the teachers too. A test of some sort whereby they can put the shy and boisterous into groups.

So, two ends of the scale wrapped up here, but what about those children in the middle? Ho hum, I could devise some sort of strategy that could show that although they don't have a disorder...they will, more than likely, get one later in life. They can nip it in the bud by using my products. I can smell the money.

With adults already taking my products I can target the mother's, those with child. What could be better than targeting the, as yet, unborn?

Poor women, those baby blues. Pre-natal depression? Take a pill. Post-natal depression? Take a pill. Breast feed your child too, with my lovely product floating around your breast milk. Feed the child, feed me.

Everyone is happy [winks]

I'm working on a cure to stop babies crying...I'll be halfway there if I can launch my products.

I just love my job.

Dr. Louis Cypher.

The great dragon was hurled down--that ancient serpent called the devil, or Satan, who leads the whole world astray. He was hurled to the earth, and his angels with him. - Revelation 12:9




Please contact me if you would like a guest post considered for publication on my blog.